Domestic Violence: How to recognise an abuser (batterer) or abusive relationship
Today is another day where global attention is drawn to the life-threatening issue called domestic violence. All over the world, there are recorded and unrecorded cases of domestic violence - some tragic, others holding tough.
It is easy for us to utter bold statements and slogans such as, “don’t suffer in silence”, “stop managing abusive relationship”, “if you are in an abusive relationship, run!”, “End domestic violence”etc., without really putting this issue into context.
Domestic violence is not restricted to married couples alone. You must have read one or two stories of young women or men being mutilated or killed by their so-called boyfriend or girlfriend.
To put this discourse into context, I am sharing excerpts from the IEC material produced by “Survivors and Advocate for Empowerment [SAFE]” that I read early this year. The highlighted information below are all credited to SAFE. I hope that you are better informed and empowered to take action!
Protect yourself. Protect others!
What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used to get power and control over another person. It happens in a pattern of abuse over time. Violence usually becomes more frequent and severe as time passes.
Forms of domestic violence
It can be in physical form such as slapping or pushing, or emotional and psychological violence, like name-calling, yelling or isolating you from your family and friends. It can involve destruction of property and threats that make you fear for your safety or for the safety of those around you, including children or people who might be helping you.
An abusers would often want to manipulate you into thinking that it is your fault that you are being abused.
No matter what, you must keep one thing in mind: the violence is not your fault — no one deserves to be abused.
Domestic violence is against the law,
Why do people abuse others?
Fear of losing control
Believe in stereotypical gender roles
Low self-esteem
Social isolation
Witness violence between his/her parents or was abused themselves as a child
Have unrealistic expectations for their relationships
Blame others for their own problems or for uncontrollable events.
Signs to look for:
Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
Controlling behaviour
Quick involvement in relationship
Unrealistic expectations
Isolation
Cruelty to animals (or others)
Tactics of abuse
Coercion and threats: making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt you; threatening to leave or to commit suicide; making you do illegal or demeaning things.
Intimidation: making you afraid by using looks, actions, and/or gestures; destroying property; displaying weapons.
Emotional abuse: putting you down; making you feel bad about yourself; making you feel guilty.
Isolation: controlling what you do, who you talk to or who you see; limiting where you go; using jealuosy to justify actions.
Minimising, denying, blaming: making light of the abuse, not taking your concerns seriously, saying the abuse didn’t happen; saying you caused the abuse.
Using children: making you feel guilty about the children; using children to relay messages; using visitation to harass you; threatening to take the children away.
Economic abuse: preventing you from getting/keeping a job; harassing at work; giving you an allowance; taking away money; making you ask for money or give up your money.
Privilege: treating you like a servant; making all the big decisions; defines the roles within the relationship and household.
Are you in an abusive relationship or a victim of domestic violence? Speak out before it is too late! Reach out to a trusted confidant, local support group, NGO, or church now! Be safe!!
Other resources:
A serious look at domestic violence (and what can be done to stop it)
Domestic Violence: Why I Stayed and Why I Left
Have more to add? Please share!
